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Sunday, December 28th, 2003

Time:2:15 am.
i'm drunk.
alan is hooking up with the epitomy of dorkiness from high school. um. gross. peace out i won;t remember this in the morning.
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Saturday, December 27th, 2003

Time:8:47 pm.
hmmm people can be really big assholes!
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Friday, December 26th, 2003

Subject:don't bother reading this
Time:11:57 pm.
Mood: awake.
well things seem to be coming together as of late.
i've accepted everything that has been happening in my life recently and instead of dwelling on what bothers me, i've turned it all around and worked towards making things better for myself. for the first time in my life i feel like i'm doing something somewhat positive for myself. i do feel really lonely sometimes - maybe even more often than not - but i think it's worth it. besides, i don't really have a choice in the matter.
acceptance is the first step, and i've accepted the cards i've been dealt. it's just great to hear compliments from people on how good you look - and not in a material way. people keep telling me that i look happy. that i look great. and it helps to me realize that i'm just fine. i think he did me the biggest favor he could do for me right now by letting me go. god knows i wouldn't have done it.
love makes you blind. and sometimes stupid. i was both for way too long, but honestly, i think it was worth it. i experienced a lot of things, both good and really really bad... but at least now i know what to look for.
it's just really difficult to care about someone that you plain and simply do not like. i love the kid. i think i probably always will; we went through way too much together. but i just don't like him. not after the things he has said and done. the cruelty he has displayed as of late is both unnecessary and unacceptable. and the games he tries to play are the same. i honestly hope that he finds what he's looking for, but at the same time i just find it almost impossible to care. or maybe i just don't want to care. either way, this is how i am choosing to deal (or not deal) with it.
i've met so many great new people, and become closer with old lost friends. thank god for sarah and my sister when this all panned out. i honestly do not know what would have come of me had i not had them to talk to. they both gave me the reality check that i needed, because i was in denial about the situation for a good month or so. god. i was so unhappy then. i never ever want to feel that way. ever.
feeling strong and independent is something i haven't felt in.. forever. maybe i never have even felt it before. but this is what i needed and i'm glad i can finally see that.
and i can finally say i love myself, truly. hopefully i will be able to engage in a healthy relationship with someone somewhere down the line. i'm very jaded because of alan. very afraid of love and very afraid of any kind of relationship. but i know that nobody is going to treat me poorly and have me accept it. i just refuse.

god, if you are out there.. i wish you could shine some light on why i still care about someone who has been so awful. but that's not the point. please just guide him in some direction that will help him find what he is looking for. i'm not wanted, nor do i want to help, but i worry. for whatever reason. this is all beyond me now and i have my own problems to worry about.
take care of him, because i'm gone... and he can't and won't take care of himself.
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Monday, December 15th, 2003

Time:7:32 pm.
how much better has my life gotten recently?

better times a thousand.

i'm strong and i never even knew it.
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Thursday, December 11th, 2003

Time:10:48 am.
i can't seem to understand how i feel i'm having the time of my life, but at the same time i am so miserable.

i want him in my life or out of my life.

he just needs to get out of my life.

i can't wait to see the look on his face when he realizes what he has done, what he has lost, and what he will never get back.
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Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003

Time:10:08 pm.
hate to be a drama queen.
but i'm depressed as hell.
i feel alone as fuck.
and i feel like i'm gonna be alone forever.

i'm sick of people not understanding.
i'm sick of people and their poor attempts to help.
i'm sick of feeling alone all the time.
and i don't want to do it anymore.

i'm sick of people being oblivious.
i'm sick of being ignored.
i'm sick of wanting what i can't have.
i'm sick of feeling tortured.

i'm sick of myself.

holy shit nobody understands.
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Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003

Time:10:50 pm.
holy crap, life sucks so much right now.
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Time:1:03 am.
i've decided i'm going to start writing in here and not just in the communities.
we'll see what kind of interesting shit i can come up with!
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LiveJournal for fairydust02.

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You're looking at the latest 8 entries.